I encourage you to watch the above video in its entirety, as this post will be a response to the arguments presented in it.
Over the years, I have seen this type of thinking become more prominent. There is a strong push in our world today for "love" and tolerance. In the name of love, we are to stand by and affirm everything. This can be a confusing topic because, as Christians, we are, of course, supposed to love. We are to be known for our love! (John 13:5) What exactly is love though? How should it be expressed? Should it have boundaries?
Polyamory is defined as follows: "the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual)relationships, with the consent of all the people involved." In the video, one of them clarifies the idea of polyamory, claiming it is "about allowing your heart to remain open to connectivity in all moments with all people and not restraining your heart." On the surface, this doesn't sound like a bad thing. What's wrong with connecting with multiple people in your life? Actually, wouldn't it be bad NOT to? You can encourage them, share ideas with them, partner with them, and accomplish so much through deep, meaningful relationships with others. Human connection is a beautiful thing. It's a necessary thing. I won't argue with them there. But... there definitely needs to be boundaries around it. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), and very rightly so.
I believe it's nearly impossible not to love someone you know very well. If you've heard their story, seen their struggle, been with them through the storm, and held their hand in the darkness, you would do anything for that person. You become bonded to them in such as that it cannot really be explained. C.S. Lewis wrote the following: "It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” Even the most self-centered, seemingly horrendous person is incredibly beautiful. He is made in God's image. He has such potential to do amazing things. This is a big deal. The more you get to know someone, the more you begin to love them. This is not a bad thing, but it is something to be aware of. So, what then should we do? Never get close to anyone except our partner so that we are not tempted in this way? I've pondered this, but I don't think that's the answer. The answer to not to cut off connection, but to express that connection in an appropriate way.
Loving someone does not necessitate sexual activity with that person, nor does it necessitate sharing very personal information and details about one's life that ought to be reserved for a spouse. It does not necessitate a complete openness and bearing of the soul. It seems this point is lost on those in this video. For example, one of them compared polyamory to the love a mother has for her children, stating, "A mother can have like two or three children and still equally love them just as much." The argument here is that love does not have to be exclusive. And, I agree. In fact, it should not be exclusive. However, the love a mother has for her children is VERY different than the love a man has for his wife. And, this doesn't necessarily mean one type is better than the other, but they are different, and as such, they have different boundaries. There's a type of love that is all-inclusive, but there is also a type of love that must be exclusive, for if it's not, it's not really love at all. Why? Because it hurts the other person and is not sacrificial.
The way mankind was created requires that there are some expressions of love that must be withheld from everyone, but one. There are conversations you should have only with your spouse, words you should say only to your spouse, ways you should touch only your spouse, and things you should feel only with your spouse. You can try to go against the way you were created, but humans were simply not made to spread this type of love far and wide, as evidenced by all the therapy those in this video said was required to live this polyamorous lifestyle. The natural reaction is jealousy, which those in the video argued was a sign of co-dependency and a lack of self-love. One of them stated the following: "I remember feeling like three years ago: the day that I would be okay with my partner having feelings for another person, and I could feel completely okay with that, that will represent such a milestone in my emotional development." This reminded me so much of Isaiah 5:20, which says, "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter." Those in the video believe this jealously they feel when their partner is with someone else is a sign of a lack of love when it is actually a natural God-given reaction to notify them something is not right. Yes, jealously can be a bad thing, but I believe every human emotion was given by God, which means it has a proper place and serves a useful purpose in that place. For example, anger is not always wrong. There is righteous anger. After all, even Jesus Himself displayed this emotion when He overturned the tables of the moneychangers in the temple. (Matthew 21:12) It is wrong NOT to get angry at all the evil in this world. It is wrong NOT to get angry when we hear stories about child sex trafficking and torture. In a similar way, I believe it is wrong NOT to feel jealousy when the person you are committed to is acting in such an intimate way with someone else as they were only ever meant to with you. I believe this is one of the few appropriate places for jealousy.
Ultimately, love is about sacrifice and putting the needs of the other person before your own. It is doing what is best for the other person. It is agape. John 15:13 reads, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." This is the ultimate sacrifice, and God's Word tells us there is no greater love. This is not to say other forms of love are bad, but they must be undergirded by agape. Without this ultimate form of love, all other forms of love will quickly turn to the opposite. Agape love looks different in different relationship dynamics, but it must guide all of them. Quite clearly, when sex or even romance is involved, love requires exclusivity. If it didn't, jealousy would not be an issue. Love would not put a person through those negative and hurtful feelings those in the video admitted they experienced upon seeing their partner with someone else. You cannot "have your cake and eat it too "because "a man reaps what he sows" (Galatians 6:7)
In summary, love itself is not the issue. Love is beautiful, but it needs to be expressed differently indifferent types of relationships for it to remain love. I do see the argument those in the video are making. It plays upon what is natural and good within all of us and twists it into something ugly and damaging. It is true in part, but the best lies are the ones mingled with truth.
I can see this type of thinking becoming much more prominent as the years go by. As Christians, it is critical that we think through these things and see the underlying issues in the arguments being made. We need to be able to articulate why these things are wrong to our culture beyond just stating, "God says it is wrong." If we cannot, the culture will go along with the flowery, loving language and accept, with open arms, that which will destroy it.
