DISCLAIMER: Please forgive the informality and potential inorganization of this post. Many of the posts within the "Life Struggles" category will likely follow a similar pattern - almost a stream of consciousness style. They will be similar to journal entries where I am working through my thoughts on a personal matter, rather than my thoughts on a planned and more flushed out remote topic. Hope that makes sense. Because of this, this post and others within this category require a greater degree of vulnerability on my part. This, of course, makes writing them a bit scary, but no one really reads these anyway. :)
Feeling Like an Outsider
Perhaps I am the only one, but I suspect not. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like an outsider in pretty much every area of my life. Now, of course, this feeling has come and gone. It has not been a constant, although it has felt that way at times. And, in certain areas, it has been less severe. Whether it be at school, extracurricular activities, work, social events, church, or even with my friend group or family, this unsettling feeling has lingered throughout the years. I feel as if the other people within these groups or at these events are very close - they talk on a regular basis, they enjoy the company of one another, they know what is going on in each others' lives, they "get" each other. I often do not feel a part of this in-group, regardless of how long I have been around the people that comprise it. At the end of an event, I am often wondering why I made the effort to show up to begin with. I do not feel I contributed to anything or gained anything from the experience. To go along with this feeling, I also often feel deeply that no one really knows me or ever will. However, I think that is a slightly different topic that I will tackle later.
Where Does This Feeling Come From?
I have often pondered why I experience this feeling. To start with, I am unsure if this feeling is based in reality or only in my mind. What I mean by that is this: Do I feel this way because others do see me as an outsider or because I only think others see me as an outsider when in reality this is not how they view me at all? Unfortunately, I cannot really answer that question without being able to see into people's minds. In order to do this, I either need to develop super powers or ask them. I am not going to ask them because that would reveal me as a crazy person who thinks too much and is very self-centered (which I suppose this entire blog does).
This lack of communication may give me insight into the matter. If I am self-centered and think too much, perhaps the feeling of being an outsider is all in my head. Self-centered people want attention and think about themselves. Maybe if I am not the center of attention all the time, I think no one really notices or cares if I am there or not? If I think too much, maybe I overanalyze the situation until it plays out negative in my mind? I am a person prone to a lack of self-confidence, so this lines up.
To add to the argument that this feeling of being an outsider is not founded in reality, I can point to the fact that I do not always feel this way. If I really was an outsider, why would others accept me one day and reject me the next? I have noticed that my mood plays a large role in how I perceive the world and handle situations, especially social ones. I think this is true for everyone. My mood can change very rapidly for no apparent reason. This can make navigating things challenging. I thought maybe I would outgrow it, and I still might, but that becomes less likely as the years go by.
Now to address the argument that I really am an outsider. As a general rule, if you want people to care about and take an interest in you, you have to care about and take an interest in them. If I am self-centered, I may not do this. If my mind is full of myself, there may not be room for anyone else. If I think too much and have low self-esteem, I may think people do not like me and retreat (either physically or mentally), meaning I will not make an effort with people. If I do this, they may not make a effort with me. I may actually be an outsider after all, but it may be my own fault. Perhaps my negative overthinking creates a kind of vicious cycle in which I really do become an outsider because I believe I already am one.
As of now, that is the extent of my thoughts on this matter.
Is This Feeling Normal?
What I mean by "normal" is do the majority (or at least a large number) of others experience this feeling of being an outsider as well. Again, I cannot really know the answer to this question unless I ask people, which I am not going to do. Unwise? Probably. Maybe I will work up to it. Other than ask, I could research this question. I might but not now. Other than that, I can apply the principles and truths I know. I'll start with THE Truth - God and His Word. Ecclesiastes 1:9 reads, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Additionally, 1 Corinthians 10:13 states, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." Both of these verses lend to the idea that no one is alone in their struggle. Yes, people are unique and everyone is different. We have more in common than we realize. As fallen creatures all originally created in God's image, we experience many of the same struggles and temptations and display many of the same virtues. This leads me to believe that this feeling like an outsider is in fact normal. I am not THAT unique or special. No one is.
Beyond what Scripture says, the real world demonstrates that this a common feeling. We hear all the time that loneliness is at an all time high and continues to increase in the U.S. at least. Devastatingly, suicide rates are as well. People feel like they do not belong anyway and as if no one cares if they are around or not. Lines up with feeling like an outsider pretty well. Personally, I believe our technology has a lot to do with this. We are together but separate and never really fully present. However, that is a topic for another time.
What Should I Do About This Feeling?
Okay, so I've worked out that I likely feel like an outsider because I am self-centered and a negative overthinker, which leads me to believe others view me as outsider and also slowly turns me into one because I do not make the effort with people. Also, this a common feeling people have. Great, so where do I go from here?
Does this bother me? Yes, sometimes it does. However, over the years, I have begun to accept it and do my best to set this feeling aside and try to be more positive. The reason? I have slowly started to learn that feelings, although they should be considered and do matter, are not ultimate. I often enjoy conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro. His famous line, "Facts don't care about your feelings," although rather insensitive, is true. Regardless of how I or anyone else feels, the truth does not wavier, regardless of what our modern society may claim. The truth is independent of any and all human beings. The truth simply is, no matter if ew are aware of it or how we may feel about it. Feelings are useful. Often, they can cue us in to changes we need to make in our lives. They also help us empathize with others and better know how to comfort and counsel them. They allow us to experience God in a deeper way (Of course, we do not want our relationship with Go to be rooted in feelings instead of truth, but feelings do heighten the experience). In many ways, feelings are a gift from God, even if they sometimes seem like a curse. Although feelings are useful, they cannot necessarily be trusted. After all, feelings come from the heart, which we know is "deceitful above all things" (Jeremiah 17:9). We cannot trust it. Thus, if my feelings say I am outsider, that does not mean I should blindly believe them and become depressed or down as a result. However, as we have explored above, I may actually be an outsider as a result of my own actions (or lack thereof).
What can I do about this? Well, if my analysis is correct, I can become less self-centered and begin to think less negatively of myself. I can pray for a proper view of myself and others, and in the meantime, I can "fake it till I make it" - I can take action to get to know others, even if I do not feel like it, even if I feel as if others want me around. Attitudes often follow action and vice versa. If I want things to be different, I have to do something different. Taking action allows us to hold ourselves responsible, rather than seeing ourselves as a victim, which I am often guilty of. Am I saying we have total control over our lives and the outcomes that follow? No, of course not. That role belongs to God, and we have to surrender to that or we will be quite miserable and restless. I am saying we often have more control than we realize. We have control over our actions and attitudes. Rather than complaining about and mopping about an issue, we should take action to correct it if at all possible. I believe this is a constructive use of our emotions. If we are unhappy about or angry about something, we should take action to change it or ourselves, depending on what it is that we are unsatisfied with. Of course, this comes with a caveat - we must act within the will and law of God. Our emotions and actions that follow them must not go unchecked by the truth of God's Word. If they do, we put ourselves and others in very dangerous positions.
That's all for now. Thank you for reading my confused ramblings about my life.
