What is the essence of forgiveness? In my opinion, many people in the world today, including Christians, don't truly understand what forgiveness means.
The Easy Answer
From what I've observed and experienced, people tend to view forgiveness as either a mutual trade-off or as a reward that must be earned. The reasoning normally goes one of two ways. They are as follows: "What you did isn't really a big deal considering what I've done to you, so let's just agree to let bygones be bygones" or "I will forgive you once you make up for your shortcoming to me or prove to me that you have changed and that you will never do it again." Aren't you glad our God doesn't view forgiveness in the same way we so often do? I certainly am!
Essentially, forgiveness from our perspective is normally dependent on the actions of the other person. We forgive if we deem the offending person to be deserving. If God forgave in this way, we would all be in very serious peril, and that's putting it incredibly mildly. None of us could ever be deserving of God's forgiveness because we all "fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). No one could ever reach His standard of perfection, but because of the cross, we don't have to!
So, if God can forgive us completely for continuously violating His perfect standard and if He can welcome us into His arms, even when we claim to love Him and then reject and deny Him through both word and deed, how can we not forgive our fellow man? Surely, we've been forgiven of a MUCH higher debt.
This is not to say that the wrongs done to us by others are always insignificant. Far from it. People are vile, wicked creatures by nature. We are all capable of doing some truly evil things, but that's not the point. The point is that true forgiveness is a choice we make based on what Christ has already done for us. It is not founded on the merits of the other person.
The Problem With the Easy Answer
Now, that may be all well and good, but how do we really forgive when the offense committed against us is unspeakable? How do we forgive when the pain is unfathomable and deep? To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Encouraging, isn't it?
At first glance, one might suppose sarcasm, yet it is a serious remark. Encouraging because at least we are all in the same boat. I do not believe any of us know how to forgive as we ought, as our Lord instructs us and did us. Intellectually, it makes no sense. And, if it wait until it makes sense to me, I do not believe I will ever forgive those offences that deeply have hurt me. Because Jesus tells us, "If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins," (Matthew 6:14-15) I either need to make it make sense or move forward without it making sense. First, let's see if we can make sense of forgiveness intellectually.
Practically Speaking
From a purely rational/worldly perspective, why would you ever forgive? I have heard the arguments that unforgiveness only hurts the one refusing to forgive and that forgiveness frees us and allows us to move on (These are selfish reasons for forgiveness, so it can be argued that they are not sufficient, but we will not get into that here). Maybe, but let's take a closer look.
Does unforgiveness only hurt the one refusing to forgive? I do not believe so. It can also hurt the one forgiveness is being withheld from. However, this can only be the case only if the one forgiveness is being withheld from (1) knows and (2) cares. Both are closely related.
One can not know in two ways - He can not know he offended and/or he can not know you. Both are related here as well. If someone cuts you off in line at the grocery store, and you vow to take a hatred for him with you to the grave, your unforgiveness will likely not affect him one bit. Because he does not know you, he will may never know he offended. Depending on personality, you are not likely to tell him of the offense because you do not know each other. It is easier just to move on with your day without causing drama or getting into a dispute with someone you will probably never see again or interact with in a meaningful way. It is not worth the effort. If he did know you (you had an ongoing relationship), you would be far more likely to tell him of the offense either because you valued the relationship and wanted to keep it strong or because you knew you would have to deal with each other in the future and wanted to do so without ongoing conflict and drama. Even if you did not tell him, but he knew you, he would likely recognize a shift in your relationship. Subconsciously or consciously, you would interact with him differently until the matter was settled or you had moved past the offense. He might ask you what was wrong or conclude that he had offended and try to make it right.
This leads me to my second point - unforgiveness can only hurt the unforgiven party if he cares. If he does not know you, he is not likely to care about the offense or your unforgiveness because he has nothing deep to lose. Take the grocery store example above, even if you did tell the person who cut you off in line of the offense, would he really care? If he was a kind person, maybe. He might not have realized what he did and let you go in front of him. However, would he be deeply affected or hurt if you told him that you would not ever forgive him for what he did? Over the mild social awkwardness for a moment, probably not. He's probably never going to see you again. He has more things to concern himself with than the triggered stranger at Walmart. On the other hand, if he did know you, he is much more likely to care for the same reasons mentioned above for why you would be more likely to tell him of the offense if you knew each other - value of the relationship or future dealings.
To summarize, if one does not know he offended, he cannot care. If he does not know you, he is not likely to know he offended; and even if he did know he offended, he is not likely to care. If this is true, unforgiveness can hurt those it is being applied to. Unforgiveness can hurt more than only the one doing the unforgiving.
Now to address the second worldly argument for forgiveness - Does forgiveness free us and allow us to move on? I argue not necessarily. I suppose the thinking behind the idea that forgiveness heals us is that it keeps us from mauling over the offense again and again. Because we not longer ruminate on it, the memory fades and we can now put that energy to more productive ends. However, anyone who has ever forgiven anything knows that forgiving does not take away the memory of the offense, the pain it caused, or even it's consequences.
Consider our grocery store example once again. Are you ever going to forget that person cut in front of you in line even if you do forgive them, especially if you happen to see him again? Nope. Let's say you were late to your appointment because of what he did and had to reschedule it for a week later. Forgiveness or not, is there any way for you to get your original appointment back? No. Even for an offense as small as this, there are lasting consequences. Now, imagine something a horrible and tragic as a mass shooting. Will lives ever be the same after that? Will they ever be able to move on? No. Forgiveness cannot undo the damage or heal the hurt.
These worldly arguments for forgiveness do not hold up under scrutiny. They may sound appealing, but they just aren't true. We need a different reason to forgive.
Theologically Speaking
You can try to rationalize forgiveness from a spiritual perspective as I did above, saying "Well, we forgive because He forgave us. We forgive because we owed Him a much greater debt." Great, Biblical even. However, I don't know about you, but to me, it still doesn't make intellectual sense. The relationship between me and God is separate from the relationship I have with one who has wronged me. I can be grateful beyond words for the forgiveness given me by Christ, and still not want to forgive someone else. After all, isn't this logical? We are taught it is a bad thing to allow negative past experiences from other relationships affect current ones. We are to judge every person based off of their own actions, right? We would not end a relationship because our significant other likes the same tv show as an abusive ex. We would not cut off a friendship because a current friend has similar political views or goes to the same church as a past friend who stabbed us in the back. These reactions would be illogical and unfair to the person who had done nothing wrong. It is wrong to punish someone for the sins of others. All relationships are unique and separate with different details and circumstances surrounding them.
Or are they? That would be true if the relationship between me and God was anything like human relationships, but it is not. Why? Because God is nothing like us. He declares to us, "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,... As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9). How high are the heavens above the earth? Depends what is meant by "heavens" here, but considering the time in which this passage was written (in a world without much scientific knowledge), the idea is that the heavens are unfathomably or infinitely higher than the earth. So God, along with His thoughts and ways, is infinitely higher than we are. For this reason, the relationships we have with our Creator cannot be anything like those we have with other human beings. Even though we are merely human, the fact that one of the parties in the relationship is infinitely higher than humans means that any relationship we have with Him is going to be unique to say the least.
Tying It All Together
If the relationships we have with other people are independent of each other, and the relationship with have with God is different than these relationships because God is infinitely higher than we, could it be that our relationship with God does not stand on its own? Could it be that we cannot treat our relationship with God like we do with other people? Maybe our relationship with God should affect our relationships with others, even though our relationships with people shouldn't affect other human relationships. Maybe our relationship with God should be in an entirely different category. If this is the case, we just might get somewhere with making forgiveness make sense.
Perhaps we can be "forgiving [to] each other, just as in Christ God forgave [us]" (Ephesians 4:32).
Forgiving Even When It Makes No Sense
Perhaps you are not convinced by my intellectual argument for forgiveness. Honestly, I am not sure even sure I am. What do we do then? We cry out to God. Because even if it makes no sense to us, God tells us we must forgive others to be forgiven by Him. I don't know about you, but I want to be forgiven. I need to be forgiven. So even if I don't know how to forgive, even if I do not have the desire to forgive, or even if forgiveness seems illogical or unwise to me, I am going to get on my knees and beg my God to give me the power to forgive even the most grievous of offenses until I am certain I have forgiven or until I breathe my last. All we can really do is trust that God will transform the heart of stone into a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26) and reward the soul that seeks to accomplish his will by denying themself and taking up their cross (Matthew 16:24-27). We must trust that with continual prayer and desiring, God will give us the supernatural power to forgive, even when it makes no sense from our perspective. Ultimately, forgiveness, and this entire life, is about submitting to the Lord. It is about believing Him when He says, "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways" (Isaiah 55:8). We do NOT know better. If you believe you do, I fear for you. One day, you will find out you were wrong, and I sincerely pray that day is not too late.
More than just perhaps we can be "forgiving [to] each other, just as in Christ God forgave [us]" (Ephesians 4:32), we better.
More thoughts to come regarding how to know if we have really forgiven someone.
